I’m not seeing it. Not even a little bit. These Total Life Labs Keto pill don’t seem to be doing much. My appetite is suppressed, but I’m also noticing my bowel movements are not what they were before and I feel bloated and constipated, something that usually only happens when I travel.
I haven’t lost any weight, not even a few ounces and its becoming very frustrating when I’m not eating that much and when I do, it’s usually veggie based. As for exercising, its very low impact and mostly cardio; walking/jogging/roller blading with the dog and the kids. I’m sure I need to add in some weight routines, I will work on that this week. Counting calories will be a good idea as well, I will add that into my next update.
In conclusion, I’m two weeks into using these “magic pills” and they aren’t feeling so magical. It’s starting to feel disappointing but I’m going to keep using them for a while longer, hopefully there is a turning point soon.
Wishing everyone a very Happy, Healthy, and Successful Week!
Starting January 2nd I resolved to start exercising again. Even though I’d exercised the majority of 2020 and 2021, I lost almost nothing. In 2020, I never ate out of the house, in 2021 I didn’t eat out that much. The only thing I have left to blame is drinking to much on the weekends and Friday night pizza.
I decided to try the newest “magic pill” Trim Life Labs Keto. Even though the good reviews online were questionable and there were several that call it a scam, I decided to try.
So this is the end of week one, exercising, suppressing my appetite, and not drinking. My first week, I still haven’t lost any weight. Despite the magic pills claim that I could lose up to 5 lbs, I haven’t lost anything. I have been feeling a lot hungrier than I have ever felt before, I don’t remember ever feeling so hungry all the time. However, cravings for carbs are gone and I’ve actually tried to convince myself just one drink with the hubby (habit I guess) but my body feels sick at the idea. So I am constantly munching on small portions of veggies or fruits. I can’t eat a-lot before I get full and I don’t eat after 5:30pm.
I guess they are doing something, because I feel different. Just not what I was expecting. The way these pills were advertised, IS VERY misleading and after purchasing them, I can see why people say it’s a scam. They lead you to believe if you pay for 3 bottles you get 2 free, not so. You pay for 5 at a “discounted” cost, then you go to checkout and a pop up asks if you want the cleansing bottle also, when you say continue to cart (thinking you are bypassing it) it actually adds it with out you knowing. I didn’t get an email with an invoice or confirmation, so, yeah. Scam-ish.
But I have them now so, I’m going to take them and record in detail how I feel about them and if I think they do any good. As of today, I’m not convinced. Hopefully next week I have a different opinion. As for exercising, I’ve been walking,jogging, and doing some light weights. I’ve been feeling a little sick, as have the boys, so I didn’t do as much as I would have liked. But! I did some and that’s better than none!!!
Have a wonderful week everyone!!Wishing y’all Happiness, Good Health, and Success!!!
It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to you, I’m afraid after I went back to working in the office and the kids started back to school, I’ve failed to make any efforts to give you attention.
I know you understand. You always do. I know you always have faith that I will return to you and share some of my life with you. And some is enough to satisfy. You are right, I always come back to writing eventually.
Spin your spells and have a Wonderful Day!
Repeat after me:
I am Amazing. I am Happy. I am Good Looking. I am Smart. I am Successful!
“Stage names are used for my kids. I refer to them as Robo D and Ninja D in all of my stories involving them.”
Since day one of Kindergarten, one of my little bears has had a hard time with school. Well, hard is a huge understatement. For years it was a heart wrenching, extremely stressful, anxiety driven, cluster fuck of a time. My twin boys are my first kids and my only kids. Like so many people and parents who have never been a parent or exposed to kids with “labels” I didn’t believe in them. “Labels” like ADHD, ADD, ODD, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), and on and on, I thought they were all excuses for bad parents and lazy teachers. It’s kind of like when you are childless and say ” oh, my kids aren’t going to act like that! I’m going to teach them from the start!” or “I’m old school, I’ll woop their ass if they don’t listen” then you have kids and you realize everything you said was a whole lot of bullshit. It’s the same thing, you don’t know what you don’t know and act like a naïve idiot and sometime asshole to parents who are going thru these challenges.
By day 2 of kindergarten, most of the administrative staff at the school knew my kids and that I was their mom. And ever since, I’ve have been working with the staff to try and help get my kids acclimated. It was hard. I blamed the school and the teachers a lot in the beginning. I couldn’t understand why he kept being triggered and sent into very loud, very disruptive, and at times very destructive rages. It had to be the schools fault because he didn’t act this way at home. I refused to believe that my kid had ADHD or anything else and it took the school trying to baker rack him in the beginning of second grade year before I finally conceded to having him tested. For the record, he wasn’t baker racked. The entire hospital staff from the clerk that checked us in to the doctor who talked to us said this isn’t the place for him and he should have NEVER been brought there. I guess I can’t blame the school or the officers that much, this was after the Parkland shooting, our school is only about 5 miles from there so kids who aren’t acting in a “normal” way get treated with a lot of suspicion, even if they are only 7.
Meanwhile, my other child, “Ninja D” was having his own struggles. He just dealt with them in a very quite and controlled way that teachers could manage. So unfortunately, most of my attention was getting “Robo D” to learn how to deal with his anxieties in the classroom.
Once “Robo D” was diagnosed with ADHD things actually started getting easier at the school. Legally they could start implementing more accommodations. They had a county phycologist evaluate him and give recommendations. I had to talk with her of course and give my side of things, answer a bunch of questions. It was while going thru this process for “Robo D” that I realized “Ninja D” really had more issues than I thought. They focus on ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), the county phycologist that is, I didn’t believe that “Robo D” was on the spectrum when answering the questions, but as it turns out he is also, but I thought about “Ninja D” a lot when answering. So, once “Robo D” was set up and things were calming down for him, I requested “Ninja D” be evaluated also.
Then second semester of second grade, COVID hit. One year ago this week we were launched into a “new normal” . For my kids, it was a blessing. It was like a reset button for them. They could get to know the teacher and kids in the safety of their rooms and see that all the kids needed help or didn’t understand the assignments, it’s not just them. It helped them feel like it was ok not to be perfect. Plus I saw them in more of a school setting and was able to make more workable suggestions when they went back.
But about the books. In the midst of trying to figure out why my kids had such a hard time in school and wanting to help them better, I found this audible book. It’s also in paperback, but with these sort of books I prefer audible. It helped me understand that I need to change my mind set and reword as well as simplify what I’m asking my kids. I can’t impose my will on them with a “because I said so”, I need to help them understand why they need to do whatever it is being asked of them. If they find it to difficult, I need to break apart my questions to understand why they don’t understand me or anyone else and get to the root of it. Really it makes good sense to practice this. It helps with leadership and working with people who don’t follow the same thought process. We as adults would prefer this approach from people in our lives, so why wouldn’t we interact with our kids this way?
I very very strongly suggest this book to all parents and people who work in the educational system. The mother in the book, I was pretty much her. And the kid they talk about the most, that was my “Robo D”. I believe that it can help tremendously when it comes to helping kids with special an/or extreme challenges.
The following from here on out is from goodreads.com just to give you more of an idea about the book.
From a distinguished clinician, pioneer in working with behaviorally challenging kids, and author of the acclaimed The Explosive Child comes a groundbreaking approach for understanding and helping these kids and transforming school discipline.
It’s time for a change in course.
In Lost at School, Dr. Greene describes how his road-tested, evidence-based approach — called Collaborative Problem Solving — can help challenging kids at school.
His lively, compelling narrative includes:
• tools to identify the triggers and lagging skills underlying challenging behavior.
• explicit guidance on how to radically improve interactions with challenging kids — along with many examples showing how it’s done.
• dialogues, Q & A’s, and the story, which runs through the book, of one child and his teachers, parents, and school.
• practical guidance for successful planning and collaboration among teachers, parents, administrations, and kids.
Backed by years of experience and research, and written with a powerful sense of hope and achievable change, Lost at School gives teachers and parents the realistic strategies and information to impact the classroom experience of every challenging kid. (less) -copied from goodreads.com
So I’m going to rant, and I’m sorry if it offends some dog owners. But I’m tired of dodging other peoples dogs. I have had dogs my whole life. Mostly German shepherd pure breeds and mix and Gordon Setters, but I have also owned a cocker spaniel, and now I own a border collie/Aussie mix so I’ve had a range in dog sizes.
I believe that no matter the breed, size, or age of the dog, a dog parent should always be considerate of others in publicplaces and have control of their pet. I have always made sure to have control of my dogs when at the park or in public places. I don’t believe in retractable leashes and if we are at a picnic table that is around others I keep my dog on a leash, a real leash, even though he listens very well, I don’t take the chance that he is going to go after another dog, kid, person on a bike, etc. I’m very conscious and aware because I don’t want anyone to be bothered my dog. Even though all my dogs have been very well behaved and mostly docile, you just never know. I expect the same consideration by other dog owners that are not part of our group. For them to control their dog(s). So the last few times at the park, we go for short bike rides and I have Chase run along side of me, on a leash. He is outstanding! He listens to my commands, he doesn’t try to go after anyone or any other dog, we just do our thing and no one is bothered or startled by us. If they are, I correct the action immediately and apologize.
The last time at the park, a couple with (4) Boston terriers on retractable leashes didn’t lock the leash and soon as Chase and I (my boys on bikes right behind me) approached one of the terriers ran at Chase, who I had guided to be on the left side of my bike, (opposite side of the dogs to avoid problems) and I had to slam on my breaks to avoid running over the dog. My kids nearly crashing into me and Chase. The guy says “sorry”. I grumble under my breath and say to my crew “let’s go”
Then again today, twice within a 30 second window I dealt with uncontrolled dogs again. All 4 of us riding bikes with Chase running beside me. We were all having fun not bothering anyone. I had Chase go on opposite side of people before passing anyone, just to be considerate. Up ahead I saw a guy on roller blades with two dogs pull off to the side out of the way giving them water. Great, he’s doing the right thing so far. Again, had Chase go opposite side an we stayed on the far side of the path. As soon as we approached, his Pitt bull on a retractable leash got away from him and went after Chase, causing me to slam on my breaks and nearly crash.
Guy: “oh, wow. So sorry”
This time I went off, “it’s not ok, you need to control your dog”, and a few other words and then got on my way. One of my kids stopped for some reason and was taking his sweet time getting going again, so I stopped to wait for him. Group of people at a picnic table near the high traffic pathway had a little dog off leash. Who of course decided to charge after Chase. The lady just stood there and watched, didn’t move a muscle to control her dog. Until I acted like I was going to kick it and started yelling and cussing them to control their dog. Literally 30 seconds after the last incident so I’m mad as hell.
Anyway. Bottom line. Please please please control your pets if you take them to a public place and be considerate of others. I am tired of dodging other peoples dogs. And for heaven’s sake, use a real leash and not a retractable one.
I let my dogs run free off a leash when we are at the park and away from people. I am also always aware of where they are and if other people are coming close to our space. Because I like to let him run free and play with the boys we choose spots away people. If we have no choice and have to be close to others, the 6’ non retractable leash stays on and we make the best of it.
Things happen. I get it. I am a dog person. I love dogs. And the truth is if we were walking or jogging, I probably wouldn’t be so pissed off about these incidents. I would continue being super annoyed but more passive aggressive about it. But we are cruising on bikes and I do my absolute best to make sure nothing happens plus I have my kids with me. If my kids crash because your dog is on a retractable leash or not a leash at all, someone might go to jail because I’m going to loose it.
Everyone is entitled to enjoy their adventures and time outside the way they want to, but at the same time be respectful and aware of others around you.
“Can we go camping? Please Mommy!” “We haven’t been on any big adventures in a long time!”
“I wish my love, but it’s really hard to travel and finding good camping spots here is really really hard because of alligators and horrendous amount of mosquitoes. “
“ well. Can we camp out in the yard mommy?!”
It’s about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night when we are having this conversation. I will admit, I’ve had several glasses of wine at this point and even though I’ve pitched and broken down tents hundreds of times, at this particular moment it felt like something that might wake all the neighbors. I sit there deciding what my answer will be as I play the scene in my mind.
Seeing my hesitation and basically reading my mind, my sweet big hearted manipulative boy continues his pitch.
“We don’t need tents Mommy, we can just get our sleeping bags and sleep on the patio. We have a privacy fence now. It’s something different mommy. Its a different kind of adventure. come on Mommy, let’s do something different” cue the big bright smile and sparkling blue eyes.
“You’re right, why not. Let’s do it!”
We went and got our sleeping bags, asked my other kiddo if he wants to join us. Of course he did. The boys, myself, and our dog all got “comfortable” on the hard concrete patio under the blooming mango tree.
We talked for a little while, I told them stories of my hiking days in Georgia and the time I went backpacking on the Appalachian trail for a few days. They talked about Minecraft and all of the details of it. They tell great stories to fall asleep to.
Being asleep didn’t last long for me. The different sounds in the neighbors yards and the temperature chasing to “it might rain” woke me up. I dozed thru the night, but mostly just took in the moment. I stared at my kids hoping this was one of the memories they hang on to. I watched them with bewilderment as they slept so peaceful on the ground. Mostly I just soaked in the love and happiness of being “us”.
As the sun started coming up I realized I have never bothered to be outside at this time, I am always to busy getting the boys up and ready for school or sleeping on the weekends.
Except when our neighbors had a rooster. The stupid bird from hell woke me up every single Saturday and Sunday at 5:00am. I live in South Florida. We have small yards and close neighbors. I consider it very disrespectful to have a flipping rooster cock-a-doodle-doing on the weekend next to my window. Literally because it somehow kept finding its way into our yard. I never allowed this evil bird to get me out of bed, unless Chase heard it and started whining to go out. In those moments, I couldn’t tell you if the sun was rising or not, all I knew was “cock-a-doodle-fuck-a-doo, hurry up Chase and go poo!” Then buried myself back under the blankets for a few hours.
My boy had a good idea as this was a nice change in routine and I got to see how our back yard wakes up on my terms and not some annoying farm animals.
Thankfully by this night the Rooster was gone. I don’t know what happened to it, but I am glad that something did.
I laid there, my spine in some pain and sending tingling sensations to my fingers. Our sleeping bags covered in leaves and flowers that fallen from the mango tree. I watched as the yard came alive.
Woodpeckers started knocking on the electrical pole, mocking birds singing, green parrots flying by on their way to find breakfast, blue Jays chasing away the singing mockingbirds, various insects emerging, silk worms glistening in the morning rays of light, lizards coming out to warm in the sunlight; yes it was a nice change in pace.
I gained some new perspective and reinforced my appreciation for the small things in life (as well as my bed).
About 7:00, I peeled myself off the ground and cleaned up my blanket. Stretched and popped and took a deep breath of morning air. Then I made myself some coffee and decided to open a book I haven’t read since I was a teenager, “Chicken Soup for the Soul” while the boys continued sleeping on the hard ground.
Wishing y’all a very Happy, Healthy, Smart, Strong, & Successful Day!
It’s not a crazy fast start, but it’s a start getting back into an exercise routine. There was a point when I was doing 4-5 miles in about a hour. But then I dropped the ball when an enormous bowling ball called “virtual school” got thrown into the mix.
I know, theoretically, I am not supposed to do anything. The kids login and follow along with the teachers and it’s like I’m not even here, right? Well. Maybe some of y’all are fortunate enough to have kids who are self motivated and learn really easily. Mine are not those kids. They need help and get frustrated trying to talk to the teacher thru the camera. They are home and feel they can get up and move around anytime they want. I need to feed them, give them snacks. Then they want to share things and play with the puppy. They like to fight with each other all day long. In between this, I need to finish my work.
This has been my biggest gripe about COVID, is the virtual school. I am sorry I’ve brought it up several times now, but holy hells bells captain! It’s been tough.
I finally am at the end of my rope, they need to go back to school. I had a meeting with our school team last week, and the boys started back today! HALLELLULAH!!!
It’s only for a half days this week. So they go from 8-11am then come home and do math and specials virtually for now. Hopefully, next week they can stay thru lunch and math, and eventually the whole day the week after that. They were excited when I picked them up, they had a great day! PRAYING we have more of these days! I hate getting the phone calls from the school that one of my kids is freaking out.
All I can do is keep on trying and keep on running! What is the old saying, “Slow and Steady wins the race”
I’m here, somewhere. Well not here, here. I’ve been absent from posting for quite some time. I’ve never been more tired than I have been this year….and I’ve been home the majority of it. All the stay at home parents are probably like “humph. Rookie!!”
It’s constantly something. There is more drama in this house with the 4 of us than any office or company I have work in. The drama is exhausting….so is the constant cleaning…..and cooking….and preparing snacks…..and breaking up fights, and having to scream at the top of my lungs for anyone to pay attention….. I want to go back to work.
I wish some powerful magic would happen when the ball drops on Friday, January 1st 2021 at exactly 12:00am. Like Covid-19 would turn into a bat and fly away, people would stop being so hateful, all kids could go back to school, and adults could go back to work and regain their sanity. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that’s going to happen. My kids most likely finish 3rd grade at home and I will continue to try and stay productive and relevant in my work. I love working, in all honesty that has been the biggest challenge for me, putting my work lower on the priority list…but not so low that I lose it. My kids come first and they are so high maintenance. They leave me with very little patience, energy, and emotion for anything else in life. Which has always been the case, but before when they were in school I could compartmentalize easier. Now I am with them 6 days a week 24 hours a day and on the 7th day, I get to go to work for 8-9 hours and feel like a normal human.
Enough of all that. Lets look at the positives for the year.
I have gotten to know how my ADHD/ASD kids think and react to school work and different scenarios better which will enable me to better help the teachers help them.
We have all learned how to accept each other and work with one another in the family in a way we never had before.
I wasn’t really happy in the position I was in at work, 2020 forced me to transfer to a different department that has allowed me to work from home. I don’t know that I will want to stay in this position any longer than necessary, but it has allowed me to take a step back and breath. It’s allowed me to look at my goals and recalculate the path I need to take to get there. Well, I’m still recalculating…..but I’ll figure it out. Like my last position, this one has humbled me and given me the chance to walk in other’s shoes. It’s good to gain perspective by working in other departments within your industry, to walk in other’s shoes and see things from their perspective. I understand better why they make the mistakes they make and why they do what they do. The insight will come in handy when I reach where I’m going.
I’ve spoken to and seen my extended family more this year than any year prior thanks to Zoom. I’ve hosted a couple of get togethers and we are hoping to make it a monthly thing.
Some down falls of the year, I’ve been drinking more. I used to only binge drink on Friday nights and have a few glasses over the weekend, now I have a couple of glasses of wine nightly. I can’t drink whiskey anymore, not really sure why but my body has been having a bad reaction to it. So, maybe it’s actually a good thing that I drink a couple of glasses of wine a day, no whiskey and no binge drinking.
I was exercising and doing really well with running, up until school started back. Once school started, my exercise routine slowly dried up. I need to get back into it. Otherwise, I may have to change the name of this blog site.
We are reading though. The boys have been reading on their own everyday and I read to them at night. I also read my own books. So, that’s good.
2021 I will get back into exercising, posting on my blog page, and determine new path(s) for goal achievements.
Is there anything you can be thankful for in 2020? It’s been challenging, I know. If you have any blessings (big or small) you want to share in the comments below, would love to hear them!
Wishing you and yours a very Happy, Healthy, Smart, Strong, and Successful Day and New Year!!
I wrote the below letter to my kids several years ago and put it in their memory box for them to read when they are older. I was looking back on things I have written and found this, I wanted to share because this website is just another step I have taken to try and stay on track to meet the lessons below.
To My Beloved Children,
Every day I make a wish for you to live and grow to be healthy, strong, happy, smart, and successful. I also make a wish for us as you parents to have the same so that we can be better to help you find your happiness and achieve your goals.
As you grown into adults, I hope that I can teach each of you the six lessons that I feel are most important to your happiness and wellbeing.
1. Be Healthy: I love fast food, pizza, cookies, and everything else that is so good but so freaking bad for a body as much as everyone else (maybe a little bit more) but teach yourself to eat in moderation. I promise there is not going to be a shortage in cookies anytime soon and all this yummy stuff will be available though out your life, or something even better will take its place. This is the only body you will ever have and you will need it for the next 95 years. Staying active, exercising, and having a good diet will also help your mind stay sharp and keep you motivated to achieve your dreams.
2. Be Strong: Life is going to throw you a lot of curve balls. Things are going to happen that you didn’t expect and the things that you expected to happen will never take place. Sometimes it will be for the better and other times you will feel deep disappointment. It’s okay to be sad, disappointed, angry, and confused these are all emotions that make us human. The important thing that I want you to remember it to work through it. Don’t get stuck in a pit of despair. Life is going to be a very long series of trial and errors and most people only achieve a handful of successes. Pick apart the experience. If there was a mistake made, learn from it and try something else to get to where you want to be. If you lose a person you loved for any reason be it a romantic interest, friendship that fell apart, or someone passes away, try to focus on the love and happy memories you shared and be thankful for the time you had with them. Nothing is forever and everything will change at some point. Take the good of every experience and keep it in your heart, but remember the bad ones to so you don’t make the same mistake twice.
3. Be Happy: There is a saying “Do what you love and love what you do”. Unfortunately a lot of people never really figure out what they love doing and settle for something that they are content with always feeling like there is something missing from their life. I pray that your father and I have the ability to expose you to all the different activities that spark your interest and help your curiosity about the world around you grow. I want you to always try new things (that you know for sure will not result in only harm to yourself such as drugs), never shy away or be afraid when an opportunity arises. I want you to know what makes you happy and what does not. I want you to live “doing what you love and loving what you do”.
4. Be Smart: When I say to be smart, I don’t mean you have to win several rounds of Jeopardy. Although it is very important to have a good education and to get as much from school as possible, being smart goes beyond the classroom. Being smart is learning how to manage yourself and your emotions. It’s making mistakes and learning to do better. Be aware of what is happening in the world around you, from your neighborhood, to our federal government, to other countries. When you are young you will not realize just how much your life can be affected by what is happening at the White House or in Saudi Arabia, but it can and most likely will be. Going back to knowing what makes you happy will work with your awareness of the people and the world around you. When you see that other people’s agendas may take away something that makes you happy you can try and find a solution to stop it. Or, at the very least prepare for it. Being smart is using a compilation of all of your experiences up to this point and using them to keep moving forward in a way that is positive for your life. Never stop asking questions, never stop learning.
5. Be Successful: Success is in the eye of the beholder. No one can tell you what true success is, it’s something that you feel within yourself, within your own heart. Your parents, your sibling, your best friend, a stranger at Wal-Mart, society, can give you their own opinions of what it means to be successful but it really is just one of those things that varies from person to person. In my opinion, being successful is living by the first four things listed. Being Healthy, Strong, Happy, and Smart because it’s in these things that you will discover love. Love for Life, Love for people, and you will Love Yourself. Finding your passions and people to help fuel them is in my opinion as successful as you can get.
6. You Are Loved: This is something more for you to know than to learn. As cliché as you may think it sounds, from the day we found out I was pregnant, you were loved. Since that day our love for you has only gotten stronger and stronger. There is nothing that you can do, no mistake you can make, that will ever change that. There will be a lot of good times, but there will also be times when we don’t see eye to eye and there will be times when we fight or argue, that’s all part of human relationships. You need to know that no matter what happens as you grow into an adult and even once you become an adult, that there are two people in this world who love you more than anyone else possibly can. You need to know that you can come to us for anything at any point in your life because there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change the way we feel for you. It is so important to me that you know that we love you, you will never know just how much until you have your own children, but I assure you that either one of us would gladly sacrifice anything if it means you will have a better life. I can only pray that there is not a day that goes by that you ever think that no one loves you, because that will never be the truth.
I look forward to the many adventures we are going to have as a family and to watch the two of you grow.
One of the many one liners that came from Star Trek. I feel like I’m Captain Kirk and my will power is Scotty from the original Star Trek series. I’m requesting warp speed away from being blown up by Klingons and my Scotty is just like “She can’t take no more, I’m Giving her all She’s Got Captain!”
I am one of those over the top happy people at the office that come in with a sing song “Good Morning Everyone!” everyday, but especially on Mondays. I don’t always feel like being that way, but I choose to be that way. There are some days I force myself to be that way because I know eventually it will be my truth. If I went in with a “leave me alone” or “fuck off” face, or if I complained about being low on energy or tired, then that would be my truth. For the whole day. Then probably the next day. Then all of the days that follow. That’s not the life I want. I want to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy. And if me being happy makes them unhappy, well they can fuck off.
That was me. Now I try to do the same at my “new home office” aka: the kitchen table. Being happy with twin 8 year old boys who struggle with school are ADHD and on the Autism Spectrum, and complete projects is much much much more of a challenge than anything my job can throw at me. My husband works full time and covers Fridays so I can go to my actual office and take a break, I mean, work.
This new normal has made me really work to be happy. I have had to learn how to control my anger, frustrations, and disappointments in a whole new way. In some cases just completely remove emotion when certain situations happen. I have to just apply the solution over and over and over until it takes root, almost in a robotic way. And I have to be ok with it. Because that is what my family needs to be successful.
One of my boys, Ninja D, is on the autism spectrum. Among several things, he has sensitivity issues with some clothes. But its only while he is focused on it. Socks and shoes are his latest reason for dramatic episodes. There is a lot of crying and tantrums and refusing to wear them, but it’s kind of a necessity in life so I make him wear them anyway and tell him that it’s something he is going to have to learn to live with. It’s the same with normal shorts or jeans. The thing is, once you get him to wear the clothes and then make him move onto the next thing like brushing teeth, eating breakfast, talking about minecraft, he forgets that he has this “issue” and it’s no longer a big deal. Sometimes he will remember later in the day and start again, but I move his focus to something else and it’s forgotten again.
The dramatic episodes over the simplest of things were making me so pissed off. They still make my husband pissed off, we are both getting better at handling situations, I just deal with it more often. That’s an example of what I mean by having to remove emotions from situations. I can’t be pissed off all the time for stupid shit that can’t be helped. His brain operates differently. But at the same time he is a kid. He is a human. He still try’s to get away with whatever he wants. It’s a very tiresome line to walk. And my other boy, he’s not causing many challenges at the moment, but he has had his time in the spot light.
Then there is work. I love work. It’s where I use to feel the most accomplished. I have had to shelf my feelings about work as well. I love working. But because I have to balance family and career more than ever now, I still get projects done, but not as well or efficiently as I know I could if I wasn’t sitting at my kitchen table being interrupted every 5-10 minutes. I have altered my daily schedule slightly, so I start later but work later into the evening in order to do better. Once the boys are done with school, it isn’t so bad. And it could just be in my head, I’m pretty hard on myself, but because I feel that I’m not doing as well as I should be doing with my projects, I feel like a failure. I can’t allow myself to feel like a failure. Because then tomorrow I’m going to feel even worse and then the day after and so forth. I will fall into a very deep hole that is very hard to get out of. I don’t want that for myself again. So, I shelf my feelings about work and complete what I can and hope that when I do return full time to the office that it was enough. Then I can take my emotions off the shelf and start feeling good and proud, and accomplished again. I can start taking steps forward and advancing.
Last night when I was taking a shower, I was thinking about personal shields. I was thinking about how I have to program and keep updating the software of my personal shield. I program it to keep other peoples problems and negative emotions from penetrating my spirit, but still be able to listen to their situations and help if able. My shield allows for positive, fun and inspiration to come threw though. Being near the people I care for and love the most, the battles are frequent and long and there is a constant barrage of torpedo’s., sometimes they learn how to hack the system, in either scenario I need “red alerts” to go off to put emergency shields up. When I feel that surge of anger or when I need to force my mouth to stay shut because I’m about to make someone feel really bad, which puts gas to the fire, I know they have broken thru and I need to think quick to get ahold of myself.
That’s when I call my Mr. Scott to get the shields back up on the double and warp speed out of the situation. Hopefully in the time that I’m having this internal episode of Star Trek, I’m not getting blasted by torpedo’s. Usually Scotty just in the nick of time gets my shields back up and I can be calm about what ever drama is happening at the moment and get through it in one piece. Rarely do I get to warp speed out until I have disarmed the Borgs or the Klingons.
We have love. At the end of the day, these are Lessons as We Grow and I know we will be better for them. But damn, its really really difficult right now.
I hope all of you other Captains out there stay Happy, Healthy, Smart, Strong, and Successful!